Several years ago, I met a person that had lived in a cave. The cave was over a town. Every couple of days, he would walk into the town to pick up the mail from the post office and whatever else he needed and then return back to the cave. He said that he missed the cave and not having all the "noise" that happens in society.
I remember looking at him & feeling really confused about why that might be a desirable lifestyle. No family? No job? No running water or electricity? No real connections?
Tonight, as I was at a store waiting to be assisted, an employee was talking to the customer ahead of me. The customer said, "I am just an accountant. I don't do anything noble or honorable. I just do numbers. My occupation doesn't really do anything that helps anyone - - - not like a nurse or a doctor..."
The employee stated, "Well neither do I. I just fix people's hair." Then they turned to me.
"What do you do?", the customer asked.
Today, I understood why the man wanted to live in the cave. He wanted to be invisible. I realized that right now, today, want to be invisible. I want to disappear. If being invisible can also mean that you don't feel anything either, than that is ok with me too. What do I want more than anything? To disappear.
And so I will. Tomorrow is my day off. It is the 24 hours before I need to have the answers to whatever questions I am asked 24/7. It is the start of little sleep and irregular food accessibility. Today, I understand the cave-dwelling desire.
Tomorrow, I will turn off my phone & go to places few others can find. I will walk and climb until my feet hurt and I am exhausted. I will feel the wind against my face and the sun on my shoulders. I will stop and put my feet in the cold stream. And when I am ready, I will return home.
Every time you breathe, you automatically pause at the end of each exhale. Everyone does it, even without thinking about it....
It is a natural pause. A moment when only your heart is beating.
And that's where you will find me, in that pause.
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